forevers_truth

I miss it already.

That genuinely hit me hard.
Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck off.
Why can't you just be gone for good?

And it was inspiring, like things should be.
Productive & optimistic seem to be my outlook today.
You look good.

It's coming.

:]

All of you past obstacles, all of you, that have haunted me over the past few years are finally diminishing. With each new day of this new found happiness, covers the tears and pain I have been dwelling on. You're not lurking anymore, any of you. Im left to embrace this new found happiness, this new found love and passion al of it. I'm comfortable but still manage to get butterflies as he approaches. I'm not sure how but its catering to all of my needs, as if he does not just focus on what not to do but what he should do. He speaks to me kindly and sweet. I cant even put my emotions into this--I have never, ever, been so happy and sure.

Can not keep dealing with this family shit.
I go home for the weekends and my family seems like its functioning--not necessarily well, but its still functioning.
I come back to Wilmington try and get back into the mentality of school and my own life however, all I hear about is how much further the family is drifting from each other.
The second I walk out the door it's as if I'm leaving an entire world behind that is not visible to me anymore.

Go away, just get out.

Itssss my birthdayy. And I'm legalll.
And I got the best birthday present at 12:01 am
And another great present to come home to.

Eighteen is my year..I can feel this one.

I'm genuinely happy.  For the first time in a while, something besides a substance to make things click.  A person, a being, a very positive energy to be around.  I'm happy. 

Note to self: you deserve this, don't ruin or run from it.

Room upside down with pillows...bolted. a room to fill the memories of childhood and pure to weed out the bad ones.  I'm here trippin on life and happiness and see girl heroes all around me.  Lober.

We bonded over our changing eye colors, car keys, chocolate chip cookie flavored coffee, cigarettes (the occasion called for newports), the frame, cookout milkshakes, music, and happiness.  Even without the substance, it was a enjoyable reunion after a parted weekend.

We got this.

I want you, need you, would love to have you.

Just step forward a little further.

I am so excited for the life forming around me, and the life of those around me finally growing.  I couldn't be happier seeing them embracing opportunities--not becoming a passerby and actually trying to fly.  Someday soon we'll be soaring not just for moments but for entire days, weeks, even years.  All of us smiling to a life that at one point years ago we aspired to have.  I'm in love with my surroundings and the warmth that my heart obtains.  Lets make it last, I promise to help as long as it's there in return.  We're going to get this one right this time.

Move on, you dont need it.  Trust me, I've been there.  You're wrapped in something thats really isnt flattering.  A personality that suites that all too made up happiness.  Be real, embrace what truly makes you happy, DONT settle, grow from it, breathe the new fresh air.  You're going to cripple yourself but you're blind to it.  Good luck...really.

My posts are about specific subjects that I generalize.  I don't need a purpose in life, I have one.  Don't think I'm not well. I'm very well.  In no way was the last post about my life, just about something in it.  Don't think this isn't me and what I want.  It's above and beyond.  So please back away from it.  These small topics dont make me, or overcome me.  I'm the happiest I've been in a long time and it took years of amusing situations and ridiculous people for me to get here.  I look back at myself and dont know what the hell I was thinking, how did i involve those people.  How did they remain in my life for so long, in my head even longer?  And I realized lately that's the wrong question to be asking.  It's really a question of why does it matter?  Who cares where I was and who I was with four years ago, or three, or even two.  It'll never make me unless I let it.  It's done with now, high school and Raleigh are over and so is that chapter.  Carved into my story, so it can finally be left alone and unaltered.

Bon voyage

I want this.  I'm afraid too, it's all to similar to a world that I know.  I want to go outside of my comfort zone to explore something new, but I know I wont.  Why can't I just do this, I feel pointless, stupid, childish, and once again pointless. 

I need a purpose.
Really though.

Technical difficulty #3.  It happened last night, I brought it on myself this time but nonetheless it happened.  It reminded me to waking up to you in your room, the room quite unclear and the only sense of mine that seemed to work is hearing you say my name.  I haven't heard that from you in months, not even through the invisible lines running through the air that seem to be our only connection.  I want to thank you for a second.  You may not have loved me and you may have been with me for all the wrong reasons, but thank you for at least liking me, and all of me for that matter.  You always commented on how I was when we met and it made me feel happy with you.  You were right all along, that is the person I am and need to be.  The person I was when we met, not what I let life turn me into.  I'm not changing back to what I was, I'm turning into someone that I should have become.

I feel tired, sleepy, have a headache, and I still feel ready to take this challenge on.
Bring it.

 An Open Letter to the Ghost I Hope To Meet

September 23, 2009

 

To the ghost of you,

Your presence is haunting me and making it difficult for me to focus elsewhere.  Instead of planning my days on tasks that need to get done, most of my time recently is thinking about you.  I picture you happy, successful, family oriented, and tan.  College isn’t the path you have chosen but you still manage to maintain a decent paying job in a place full of excitement.  The image of you happy in California where you’ve always mentioned living and exploring things such as surfing makes my heart feel settled.

However, this image of you hasn’t occurred yet, this is the ghost that I imagine for you.  I know reality is far fetched from this ghost that I like to imagine you as; however, the ghost still lurks as a reminder of everything that I may never witness.  Lately, you’re going through some stages of your life that are preventing this happy image from being plausible.  The reality of you lies on the streets, in rehab, or dead. 

Up to the point where my mind began creating this ghost of your future, you have been one of the most interesting people I have yet to meet.  You were my best friend for my final year at home and my support system throughout my lifetime.  We spent every day together bonding and growing our relationship to more then just blood.  You exhibit qualities that someone your age typically isn’t aware of.  I have been able to carry out many philosophical conversations with you, and you hold your end even better then some adults I have conversed with.  Your mind has the capability of absorbing information like a sponge.  You’d watch a program on the National Geographic network and could in every detail report to me what the show was on—even a week later.  The one thing that truly made you unique, hands down, is your sense of humor.  It’s such a dry but mature humor that I’ve grown so accustomed to that no one even compares to the way you used to make me laugh.

So, to the ghost of this person, this flesh and blood, please come forward.  Please rise against the substances and the minor details so that he can have a chance at life.  I’m not there to look after him anymore so I need you to step forward.  With such a great person and personality at hand, we can’t let this one go to waste.  I’ll work with you on accomplishing this goal but I need you to give him the personal motivation—otherwise my words are pointless and I’m left talking to a ghost.

Allison

 

Trippin.  Keep trippin.
Fantastic, superb, wonderful, out of this world, onto something better sort of weekend.
Love me, hate me, I dont really give a fuck about you and your existence.
You'll never even come close, I don't know why you try.

I can't get the image of what happened last night out of my head.
Please leave, its starting to freak me out badly. I'm still tripping.

I'm sorry I failed you. I'm so so sorry. But you're so wonderful, so wonderful. I wish you appreciated yourself the way I do. You were my rock last year, my solid rock. And now you're falling apart and I'm too far away to be your rock, forgive me for that. Forgive me for everything, I was so wrong.